Maybe I can call this place home for tonight? I don't think home has ever existed. Every place I feel watched. I feel eyes and am scared to death that someone is going to see.
Going to see the deeper well that lies inside. I don't want anyone to see inside. I'm scared of the inside. I'm scared of the darkness that exists.
I want to cry.
I have to be stronger than this.
I wish life weren't an eternal gamble, where nothing you do matters. I wish something in this world were tangible, simple, easy. Nothing is ever easy. Nothing.
I don't want to be alone.
I want to be able to say: "This isn't going to hurt. When this is over, it's not going to hurt."
It'll hurt, but that's arbitrary. Love hurts if you do it right, but it hurts worse if it ends. That's hurt I'm scared of. I hate this gamble. I want to be still. I want to fling my arms out wide and know that someone is going to be there to catch me if I fall.
But there's no one.
No one's ever there.
6 years ago
