Wielding the Magickal Spell

I need to learn to mind my own business.

I know I should learn to mind my own business.

But what is that old adage? "Curiousity killed the cat."

I am the cat, and every once in a while, I feel like I'm dying inside.

Am I too possessive? Am I too jealous? Am I insecure?

Should I even worry?

I do.

I always do.

I always wonder if I am good enough. I always wonder if I am worth it. I always wonder if I am as beautiful and amazing as anyone else.

Sometimes I feel like I am. Other times, I know that I am not.

I need validation. Obvious things mean nothing to me. I want all of you or nothing at all. I want every piece and part of you. Mine. All mine.

I do not share. I do not concede.

Why would you think I ever would?

There is a long line to walk in this life; and I've only just started.

Yielding the Magickal Spell

It's like an addiction. An addiction to hoping for ruin. Why does she have to be some great person? Why can't she be some ego-maniacal tramp that teaches an ultimate, universal lesson?

I contemplated a spell.

But I'm scared for my karma.

Would I risk it for revenge?

Would I risk him for revenge?

I hate Venus-in-Scorpio.

It'd be nice to let go.

Temperamental Magick

I swear I'll melt if you touch me again.

Chaotic Magic

Maybe I can call this place home for tonight? I don't think home has ever existed. Every place I feel watched. I feel eyes and am scared to death that someone is going to see.

Going to see the deeper well that lies inside. I don't want anyone to see inside. I'm scared of the inside. I'm scared of the darkness that exists.

I want to cry.

I have to be stronger than this.

I wish life weren't an eternal gamble, where nothing you do matters. I wish something in this world were tangible, simple, easy. Nothing is ever easy. Nothing.

I don't want to be alone.

I want to be able to say: "This isn't going to hurt. When this is over, it's not going to hurt."

It'll hurt, but that's arbitrary. Love hurts if you do it right, but it hurts worse if it ends. That's hurt I'm scared of. I hate this gamble. I want to be still. I want to fling my arms out wide and know that someone is going to be there to catch me if I fall.

But there's no one.

No one's ever there.

The Ordeal of Magick

I just feel...empty.

Can I do this?

Will I do this?

Is this my future?

Will I ever be good enough?

Let's wait and see.

Dangerous Magick

Discontent.

D-I-S-C-O-N-T-E-N-T.

I spelled it accidentally. Putting in my password and at the forefront of my mind.

DiScOnTeNt.

Why?

I don't understand it. I don't seem to know why, inside of myself, it roils and froths. It hurts. It leaves me empty. Breathless.

Maybe this is leftover from the six month depression dream. Nightmare.

Heartbroken. But I never knew how to repair it. Its edges are still flawed, still frayed, still........angry. Angry. Wrathful. Punishing.

If I were a goddess I would be a vengeance goddess, I would be a justice goddess, I would be a force of nature. divine.

Women make me nauseous.

Take a picture. It lasts longer.

The Magickal In-Between

The name Judson hits me. I see his name on a client sheet. Poor sucker, poor soul. He's in it for the long haul. Why make a mockery of your father's name?

Maybe his father doesn't have a name. Maybe his father is a nameless soul of souls wandering this city. Maybe Judson didn't know his father at all. A shadow of shadow drifting fitfully across his mind.

I will give you a name Judson.

I will give you a purpose.