Chaotic Magic

Maybe I can call this place home for tonight? I don't think home has ever existed. Every place I feel watched. I feel eyes and am scared to death that someone is going to see.

Going to see the deeper well that lies inside. I don't want anyone to see inside. I'm scared of the inside. I'm scared of the darkness that exists.

I want to cry.

I have to be stronger than this.

I wish life weren't an eternal gamble, where nothing you do matters. I wish something in this world were tangible, simple, easy. Nothing is ever easy. Nothing.

I don't want to be alone.

I want to be able to say: "This isn't going to hurt. When this is over, it's not going to hurt."

It'll hurt, but that's arbitrary. Love hurts if you do it right, but it hurts worse if it ends. That's hurt I'm scared of. I hate this gamble. I want to be still. I want to fling my arms out wide and know that someone is going to be there to catch me if I fall.

But there's no one.

No one's ever there.

The Ordeal of Magick

I just feel...empty.

Can I do this?

Will I do this?

Is this my future?

Will I ever be good enough?

Let's wait and see.

Dangerous Magick

Discontent.

D-I-S-C-O-N-T-E-N-T.

I spelled it accidentally. Putting in my password and at the forefront of my mind.

DiScOnTeNt.

Why?

I don't understand it. I don't seem to know why, inside of myself, it roils and froths. It hurts. It leaves me empty. Breathless.

Maybe this is leftover from the six month depression dream. Nightmare.

Heartbroken. But I never knew how to repair it. Its edges are still flawed, still frayed, still........angry. Angry. Wrathful. Punishing.

If I were a goddess I would be a vengeance goddess, I would be a justice goddess, I would be a force of nature. divine.

Women make me nauseous.

Take a picture. It lasts longer.

The Magickal In-Between

The name Judson hits me. I see his name on a client sheet. Poor sucker, poor soul. He's in it for the long haul. Why make a mockery of your father's name?

Maybe his father doesn't have a name. Maybe his father is a nameless soul of souls wandering this city. Maybe Judson didn't know his father at all. A shadow of shadow drifting fitfully across his mind.

I will give you a name Judson.

I will give you a purpose.

Experimental Magick

I wonder if they'll slip through my fingers like grains of sand. Will I lose them too? Will I lose everything? I can feel myself wanting to be better but even when I try apart of me rebels against it, wanting to be alone, to be apart. I hate this indecision.

I want to blame the way I was raised. I want to say that no one gave me as much as I should've gotten. But others have gotten far worse. There's no excuse. I've lost one friend; will I lose another?

Today was useless. They float around in my head like restless mothmen, but when I try to hold onto them, they flitter away. Bastards. How can they torment me like this? What have I done?

A scarab beatle is trying to eat its way out of my hand. Everything is myth; some are forgotten and others remembered. Will I be remembered? Just a fond memory: remember when...And the laugh track rolls.